


You Only Live Once

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, OT6, Past Attempted Suicide, Self-Harm, cheerful..., yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-03
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-18 21:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4720328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Ray’s boyfriends said nothing about his cuts. Then they couldn’t.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Only Live Once

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happens when I try to write a formula piece with AH. I think that says something about me but I’m not quite sure what…

1.  
Ryan was the first to notice. It was before they’d gotten together in their big messy relationship. They were still dancing around each other, all too afraid to actually say something. It would eventually be Gavin to break that, announcing during a drunken night his true feelings.

But before that happened everything was going downhill. Michael had gotten into the habit of going quiet half way through Let’s Plays, not rising to the taunts anymore. Geoff and Jack had been casting each other nervous glances constantly. Gavin tried to make things better, tried to stop the silence which pervaded their workspace, but there was nothing the Brit could do and in the end he just pissed the other men off even more. Ray had tried to help the Brit but would also lapse into silence. Ryan had decided to take a step back and try to figure out what the fuck was going on before he did something stupid.

In hindsight, taking Ray aside for a passionate make out session probably seemed to be stupid to anyone with half a brain. But neither of them complained. At some point Ryan’s hand had found its way under Ray’s light t-shirt which made Ray freeze. He then leapt back, muttering something about professionalism and how this was so messed up. Before Ryan could get a word in edgeways Ray was out the door. The older man sat down on the floor, his knees curling up into him, and sighed. He had really screwed that up.

He put his hand up to card it through his hair and froze, a dark red smudge had somehow found its way onto his hand. He stared at it uncomprehendingly before realising it was blood. His mind raced for a few seconds before stopping and rewinding the last minute. Underneath the t-shirt he had felt ridges, had thought nothing of it but now coupled with the blood…

He shook his head, he was just overthinking it. Ray was a grown man and could look after himself. If he was hurt then he could deal with it. But from that day on he kept a closer eye on Ray than he had before. Because whilst there was no way Ray would do something like what Ryan’s mind suggested, it couldn’t hurt to just make sure…

 

2.

When the six of them had come together for a game night they would get slightly drunk, or in some cases, drunk. Gavin had expected to wake up the next day with a raging headache, maybe some dumb video that one of the guys managed to get while the Brit was out of it. But he had never expected to get five boyfriends out of it. Sometimes life had a way of doing fantastical things.

It had been Gavin’s fault, he had stood up in the middle of the room and flat out announced that he had “a crush on all you fuckers.” From there the room had broken down, each person shouting or yelling to be heard over the sound of the others.

The next morning they didn’t remember the specifics, all too drunk. Well, apart from Ray. Because he had been sat in the corner when Gavin had confessed. He had watched as the room fell into disarray as each of the men started talking. When they started kissing he slowly rose, to leave the room. Because maybe, one day, but not that day. He couldn’t, what if they didn’t actually want him?

But before he could leave the room a hand slipped around his wrist and pulled him back. The man turned to see Gavin staring at him, glassy eyed and swaying slightly.

“When I said all you fuckers, I meant you too.”

 

The next morning Ray woke up and panicked. He was lying on the bed, with Gavin and Geoff next to him. Both of the men were fast asleep and for a moment Ray wondered why he had woken but then he felt the cold in the room. He shivered, pulling his top down from where it had risen up to his chin. He got up and left the room, hardly believing that the night before had happened. As he left he didn’t notice Gavin’s eyes, still open. The Brit watched as his friend (boyfriend?) pulled down his shirt. The tanned skin was covered in white lines, with ugly red ridges crisscrossing over much older injuries.

And as the alcohol ridden mind tried to go back to sleep it made a note that when the morning had properly arrived, they would need to have a conversation. By lunch he was sheltering one of his worst hangovers. By the time it had passed he had forgotten, believing any remnants to have been a mixture of alcohol and dreams. He never lingered too long on the memory though. He was worried about what he’d find. 

 

3.

Moving in together was a big step for all of them. Geoff and Gavin were used to living together but the rest had never lived with each other. As with all things there was an adjustment period. This adjustment period consisted mostly of the other guys losing Michael’s stuff and him yelling at them. It took him a week to realise they were doing it on purpose.

Michael had been one of the most eager to move in as his apartment had been shitty and he couldn’t think of anything better than living with his boys.

But the others didn’t seem to share his enthusiasm. Gavin and Geoff were dragging their feet, happy living together and worried about selling their nice flat. Jack was still on the fence, worried that they were moving too fast. Ray was flat out against it. No matter what the others said he didn’t want to move.

Several long conversations and semi arguments later, they came to a compromise, they would buy a flat for the six of them while keeping Geoff and Gavin’s old place and renting it out. Then, if something went wrong, there’d be two different places for them to go to.

With this agreement Ray, still somewhat reluctant, moved in. Michael tried his hardest not to be offended and as time wore on Ray seemed more and more comfortable living with the others. While he often took a different bed or slept on the sofa Michael just guessed that it was because summer in Austin is hot as fuck and six grown men give off a lot of body heat.

And so it was only when Michael started sorting the washing, maybe this way he’d actually get some of his own clothes, that he noticed it. He paused while shoving an electric green top in the wash, on one side was an ugly brown stain. He frowned, lifting it up so he could see it more clearly. He had no idea what it was, maybe someone had spilt food down themselves. He shrugged and shoved it into the washer.

Over the next few weeks it started happening more and more and he started to get worried. He didn’t want to mention it to the others in case he was just over reacting, it couldn’t be what he thought it was, right?

But then, one day, three weeks after spotting the stain on the X-Ray shirt he needed some pain killers. Ryan had come down with a migraine and as everyone else was out it was Michael’s job to step up to the plate and be the caring boyfriend. Unfortunately he was out of painkillers as was Ryan. Michael sighed before remembering that Ray had his own little first aid kit, it had become something of a joke between the men.

Ray never shared it with the other men and just kept it under his bed, fully stocked.

Smiling slightly he raced into the spare bedroom and ducked under the bed, pulling out the kit. It felt a lot lighter than it had the last time but Michael pushed that from his mind. He opened the box up and saw a collection of bandages and enough painkillers to kill a horse. He grabbed one of them and shook it open, accidently nudging the box itself and causing it to fall to the floor. He cursed as bandages went everywhere.

The next moment he was on his hands and knees trying to grab all the stuff. Some of it had rolled under the bed and he sighed in frustration as he bent down and carefully felt around for it. He grabbed a box and pulled it back, frowning when he realised it wasn’t a pill box.

He flicked it open and gasped, inside the box was a small collection of sharp pieces of metal. He shook it out onto his palm, cursing quietly. He recognised some, a razor blade, what looked to be the blade from a pencil sharpener, pins and needles. Each was clean and stank of antiseptic but kneeling there, with bandages scattered across the floor and the box in his hand Michael’s mind made a connection.

“Michael.” Michael’s eyes shot up to see Ryan leaning against the doorframe, eyes shut tight. He was whispering so as not to make the migraine any worse than it already was.

“Go lie back down love, I’ve got the painkillers. I’ll be right through.” The older man nodded and walked off. Michael shoved the shiny metal back into the box and paused, if he took it Ray would be furious but if he didn’t then Michael would never forgive himself if something happened. He dithered for a moment before he heard the door bang open.

“Shit!” he grabbed some of the boxes of painkillers and started to shove everything else haphazardly back into the first aid kit. It was only when he was down the stairs, embracing his boys that he realised that he had put the box back as well. Well it wouldn’t matter, he reasoned, he was going to have a talk with Ray as soon as he could.

That night he prepared himself but then Ray went to cuddle with Ryan and he didn’t have the heart to break them up.

The next day he didn’t think about it until they were all together at the end of the day. Even when he got Ray alone Michael paused, unsure how to start a conversation with such big consequences. In the end he normally just asked if Ray was okay, or just changed the topic all together. In the end he just didn’t ask but each time he was on washing duty he glanced over the clothes, making sure there weren’t any suspicious stains on them.

After all, Ray was a grown ass man and he could cope, right?

 

4.

One slight quirk about Ray was that no matter what, he wouldn’t take his top off around his boyfriends. Whenever Jack or Geoff brought it up the others would go suspiciously quiet before Ray could come up with some bullshit excuse which they would immediately latch onto.

Jack had always figured it couldn’t be anything bad, they all had their quirks. Like Geoff’s weird ass moustache that he kept in such pristine order. Or Ryan’s tendency to stay awake for days on end and then just collapse into bed and sleep like the dead. It wasn’t anything to be worried about and it was nothing to think too deeply about. So he was in no way prepared when he walked in on Ray getting changed.

He had cracked open the door the tiniest amount and spotted Ray on the bed, stretching slightly. The younger man seemed exhausted, they were all under a lot of stress with the big convention approaching and Ray was still putting in the hours from the previous week when he’d come down with a cold. Jack smiled as the younger man took off his shirt, opening the door a little more to walk in. But then he froze.

Rather than clear skin there were white lines covering the left hand side of Ray’s back. They were old, Jack was sure of that, but then Ray turned slightly towards the other man and Jack felt all the air rush out of his lungs. Across the man’s side were angry red marks, a few still weeping blood. Ray heard the gasp and whipped around. Jack took a step back as if he’d been punched. The man’s stomach were crisscrossed with marks; cuts and scars, scrapes and bruises, a multitude which far outweighed the number which deserved to be there.

Ray ran across the room and slammed the door, shutting Jack outside. The two paused then, both breathing heavily. Jack was still so confused, it was as if he had a jigsaw puzzle in front of him, each piece would fall into place if only he had one. But he refused to think it, how could he possibly consider that Ray, amazing Ray, beautiful Ray, would do something like that to himself? Ray, who was just the other side of the door. He wouldn’t. But he had.

“Ray, let me in.”

“No!”

“Ray we can talk about this!” Jack flinched as he heard something heavy thrown at the door. “Jesus Ray!”

“Piss off Jack!” Jack stood, ready to break down the door if needed, when he paused. Ray didn’t sound angry, he sounded tired.

“Ray, please I want to help you.”

“Then leave me alone!” Jack hesitated once more before dropping his head.

“Is that what you want?”

“Yes!” Jack sighed, pushing the conversation when Ray was like this wouldn’t help either of them.

“Please Ray. Just,” he sighed “I’m here for you. No matter what. Remember that.” With that, the older man left, partially to give Ray a reprieve but partly so that he himself could compute. Ray would come around eventually. And when he did Jack would be there. As he decided on this he pushed from his mind an errant thought; what if Ray wouldn’t be there? That was impossible, Ray might have issues but they couldn’t extend that far Jack just had to trust the man.

He ignored the sickness which coiled in his stomach like a snake, ready to poison him from the inside..

 

 

5.

When the convention finally rolled around all six of the Achievement hunters piled into a van and started driving. Within five minutes Geoff wanted to fucking kill Gavin. As the hours ticked by his feelings didn’t really change. He thanked his lucky stars that he got to sit next to Ray on the plane. Michael was less lucky.

When Geoff finally settled into his seat on the plane he smiled as he heard the two men bickering. He quickly fell asleep despite a squawking Gavin a few rows away.

Geoff woke suddenly, ripped into consciousness by a nightmare. The instant he woke he could no longer remember quite what the nightmare had been but he still couldn’t get back to sleep. Ray, next to him, unplugged himself from the in-flight movie.

“You okay Geoff?”

“Yeah, just a dumb nightmare. What you up to?” Ray indicated the movie in front of him and Geoff grunted.

“Good?” Ray snorted.

“Of course not, it’s shit.”

“Why you watching it then?” Ray shrugged.

“It’s something to do.” Geoff nodded and watched the screen. The movie was nearly over and Geoff had no idea what was meant to be going on. It looked like a lot of mindless destruction with crappy CGI. At some point Geoff laid his head on Ray’s shoulder. As the hours ticked on Ray fell into a doze, Geoff however was still too high strung after the nightmare to contemplate sleeping. Instead he watched more equally crappy movies.

An hour before they were due to land they hit a slight patch of turbulence, jolting the other guys from sleep. Ray was stubbornly dozing, it sometimes seemed like he could sleep through an earthquake. Geoff snuggled into the man’s side and as he did Ray jerked up, sucking in a deep breath.

Geoff leapt backwards, surprised. Ray glanced around, quickly taking stock of his location before trying to smile, it came out weak and feeble.

“Are we landing soon?” Geoff frowned, no way was he answering that question just yet.

“Dude, what the hell was that?”

“What the hell was what?” Ray flicked his eyes over to the side where Gavin and Michael sat. They were both staring, slyly, at him. Ray flushed, surely it was just co-incidence that they both happened to look over at the wrong moment. Surely he hadn’t blown it now, after so many lies.

“Are you hurt?” Geoff stared down at the offending piece of skin. Ray could feel it prickling beneath the hard gaze, or maybe that was just the drying blood beginning to stick to the cotton. Before he could stop the older man, Geoff pulled up the t-shirt and froze. Ray gasped slightly as cold air hit the newer cuts. He was out of his seat in a moment, dragging Geoff to the bathroom. Behind him he heard Gavin wolf-whistling before being cut off by a fairly irate Michael.

“What the ever living fuck was that Ray?” Geoff’s voice had dropped and he sounded dangerous. His fists were clenched at his sides and he was shaking slightly.

“It’s none of your fucking business is what it is.” Ray was scared and when that happened he got defensive. In hindsight it was a dumb idea.

“I’m your boyfriend you idiot! Of course it’s my business! Now who the fuck did that to you?” Ray frowned before realising the jump that Geoff had made. As he paused Geoff frowned, furious at the very idea of Ray being hurt.

“Unless, someone didn’t…” Geoff leapt to the conclusion that Ray had been dreading. “Jesus Christ Ray.” Geoff’s voice was soft, all traces of anger eliminated. Ray bristled at the tone, his anger had still not quite dissipated.

“Oh go fuck yourself Geoff.” Geoff’s eyes leapt up in surprise at the vinegar in Ray’s tone “I don’t need your fucking pity.” With that he turned and strode back to the seat, asking Gavin if they could swap places. Michael’s face was a picture of enthusiasm and the man seemed to not want to push his luck by asking why Ray wasn’t sitting with Geoff.

Ten minutes later Geoff strode from the bathroom and Michael had the decency to look away from the man’s bloodshot eyes. Ray had no such qualms but Geoff wasn’t there to start a fight. He grabbed Ray’s arm, as if afraid the man was going to take off again and leant forwards to whisper in his ear.

“We’re talking about this when we get home.” With that Geoff returned to his seat, leaving a confused Michael and Ray, with a growing pit of worry in his stomach. At least he’d brought a spare razor…

 

6\. And one time they couldn’t.

Geoff watched as Ray walked onto the stage, purple hoodie covering his slight frame. Ray yelled something out to the audience and they cheered. Geoff followed Ray on and took his seat, with a little less style than he normally would have. He was worried, and he didn’t seem to be the only one.

Now he was looking he kept on spotting the other men around him casting worried glances at Ray. Geoff would often catch himself going to look at Ray only to find himself catching the eye of another, doing the exact same. But the younger man seemed to be fine, speaking animatedly to the crowd.

Almost immediately Ray and Gavin managed to have a disagreement over some stupid parkour thing which they took to the front of the stage to debate. Gavin whipped off his jacket and hesitated before realising that Ray was not going to follow in that particular nuance of behaviour. The Brit just went with it, instead demonstrating exactly why he was right (spoiler alert, he wasn’t).

“You’re going to crack your head open Gavin, sit down!” Ryan’s words just caused the Brit to shake his head, to the amusement of the audience. Gavin promptly fell on his face causing Ray to laugh.

“Get up Vav! You’re squashing that great nose of yours!” Gavin got up, looking somewhat sheepish. Ray smirked before readying himself to show Gavin exactly how it should be done. Geoff glanced at his watch, wondering how much longer this would last. Because of this he didn’t see when Ray slipped. He didn’t see the horrified faces his boys made as the youngest fell forwards. But he did hear the crack as Ray fell, headfirst, onto the floor.

Within seconds he was out of his chair and scrambling down to where his boyfriend lay. Geoff could vaguely hear yelling in the distance, someone calling for an ambulance. But his focus was on Ray who was out cold.

“Fuck, Ray come on buddy.” Geoff hovered his hands over Ray’s face, not wanting to move the man. It was only when he was being pulled away by the medical team that he realised that Ray’s jacket had caught on his top, yanking them both up. The small part of skin that Geoff could see was marred with scars and cuts. The most recent didn’t look more than a few hours old.

 

 

 

Ray was happy when he moved to Austin, he was happy when he got a job at Rooster Teeth and he was happy when he met his boys. He spent his days filming videos or lounging about at their houses. Then he spent the days lounging around at their house, one house holding the five most important people in the world. He loved his job and he loved his boys, even if no one had said it just yet. Ray was happy. Until he wasn’t.

Because during the day everything was perfect but at night he got time to think. He’d lie in bed for hours, unable to sleep, thinking.

 He’d go home to an empty apartment and try to convince himself that his boys still loved him. There was no reason not to believe it but somehow he did. And sometimes during those hours he would reach for a particular small box. It was a habit he’d picked up in high school and had never quite managed to shake.

But it was never anything drastic, a cut here or there on a bad day but it wasn’t like he wanted to kill himself. _Anymore_. He was fine! _He was falling apart_.

When he joined Rooster Teeth he swore to burn the box and bin the contents. But he kept on putting it off until eventually he had a bad night. _Blood trickled down his side as he pulled the blade across his skin again and again._ But it was no longer an every night thing, it was occasional. It was a coping strategy for the days when it all got to be too much and it was either the box or stewing in the emotions. _But then it was happening so often, almost every night._ It all came to a head when Ryan kissed him.

That day, his editing had crashed six times in as many minutes. His coffee machine had broken down. The cuts from the previous night were aching and he was exhausted. The previous night he’d stayed up until four in the morning, trying to convince himself that he didn’t need to cut. In the end it had been in vain and he’d come into work after a couple hours of restless sleep.

But as he kissed Ryan it all vanished, only to come crashing back down when the older man’s hand brushed against one of his fresh cuts. He pushed backwards, ignoring the stricken look on his face and ran from the room. That night he cut, again and again until he could forget that face. The next day he went into work and acted as if nothing had happened. Just as he did every day.

 

Ray hadn’t wanted to move in, well that was a lie. He wanted to more than anything but moving in meant less privacy, less free time and meant that his habit would probably stop. He was okay with that actually, he hated the feeling of having to need to do it.

But there was still that feeling, the feeling that he deserved it in some fucked up way, that to keep his boyfriend’s from getting bored he had to be better. Somehow that always came out with a blade and blood.

So when Michael finally won his argument for them moving in together Ray did nothing, well apart from sorting all of Michael’s washing wrong. Gavin seemed to jump on the idea so really it wasn’t Ray’s fault when Michael had literally nothing to wear for a week.

As more and more of his boyfriends found out, Ray began to panic, he started doing little things just to make sure they wouldn’t find out.

There had always been the rule that he wouldn’t take his top off but then it escalated, keeping a first aid kit to patch him up if he went too far and he was too many times, to putting clean clothes through the wash and sneaking out to wash his clothes at a different time.

He started waking up first out of all of them, terrified that his top would ride up. Eventually it became easier to just sleep separate from the others, saying it was too hot. And while it hurt, it hurt so badly, it was better this way. This way they wouldn’t leave him.

He couldn’t imagine another scenario if they all found out, if they actually confronted him about it. He was almost certain Michael had some idea about it, he kept cornering Ray about to say something but Ray played dumb and Michael just shook it off, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

But it was. It was so wrong. Ray could no longer go a day without cutting or harming himself somehow, whenever he tried he lashed out at people, sniping and yelling until they snapped back. Those days were terrible because they would inevitably lead to the same ending; Ray sat in the spare room with his first aid kit and a small box on the floor.

 

Everything became too much when Jack found out, a week before the big convention. Ray was understandably stressed. He felt like shit and the fact that he was so behind on his work wasn’t helping. He had been enjoying a lazy lie in, having finally finished the work he’d needed to do. Then he heard a noise behind him and he froze, there in the doorway stood Jack.

Before Ray knew what he was doing he was across the room, slamming the door, not caring if Jack had gotten out of the way in time. All he could think was that his heart was about to shatter, they weren’t allowed to see this. They were never allowed to see him so broken. He should have been better at hiding it.

He barely heard what Jack said but somehow he managed to get the man to leave. He then just sat there, trying to understand what had happened. All he knew was that he needed to do something. His eyes fell on the small box stood on the nightstand. That was perfect.

 

 

 

When Ray arrived at the hospital his boyfriends were in a state of total shock and confusion. Michael looked like he wanted to kill someone, Gavin looked ready to help him, Geoff was shell-shocked and Ryan and Jack looked like they wanted to kill themselves.

They were ushered to a relative’s room, ignoring the glance the receptionists shared when they said that they were all Ray’s boyfriend. There was a time and a place for arguments and in that moment they needed each other calm.

When they entered the privacy of the room Jack broke down, admitting that it was his fault, he should have said something, should have done something. Gavin stared wide eyed at the man as he spoke before whispering his confession, a drunken memory that he’d never dwelled upon for too long. Michael had yelled his, shouting at them that of course Jack should have done something. That was when Geoff stepped in.

“Shut the fuck up Michael! He was fucking good at hiding it!” this was met with an uncomfortable silence and Geoff whirled back to Michael to nearly shout his declaration.

“He wouldn’t tell me anything! I found out eleven fucking hours ago and he refused to say a word! This must have been happening for years! Why are you surprised we didn’t pick up on it?” by the end Geoff’s voice had cracked from emotion, from the stress of having his boyfriend in hospital, by never having known Ray was even hurt.

“We’re his boyfriends, we’re meant to know.” Gavin was quiet as he spoke and the others nodded. They could bluster all day about how good Ray was at hiding but it didn’t stop them from being bad. Michael glanced around and spoke.

“Sorry Jack. I’m just- I mean- I knew, or I’d guessed at least. His clothes got all these weird stains and I just thought-” he shrugged, trying to find words to fit “I thought I could trust him to tell me.” The others nodded, Jack moving to take Michael’s hand in admission of the younger man’s apology.

“So really, it was only Ryan who didn’t know?” all four heads swivelled to the man who looked as if he wanted the earth to swallow him whole and never let him out. Basically he knew what Edgar felt like.

“I knew before all of this started. Well, I felt them and I just thought.” He hung his head “There’s no excuse but I tried to keep an eye on him. Guess I fucked that up.” He laughed sardonically, it echoed around the room before he abruptly stopped. Gavin walked over to the man and enveloped him in a hug.

“It’s not your fault you pleb. We all should have noticed.” The other men nodded and they lapsed once more into silence, words escaping them. So they sat there, waiting for a doctor or nurse to inform them that their boyfriend was okay. Because they couldn’t imagine an alternative.

 

 

 

When Ray had got off the plane he sat in the back, as far away from Geoff as he could get. Instead he decided to annoy Gavin, which led to Michael yelling and the gents then got involved.

 When they reached the hotel Geoff had finally stopped shooting him worried glances every few seconds. The night was tense, Geoff constantly seemed about to say something and Ray would distract him with something else. However the rest of the guys picked up on this and they started shooting worried glances between Geoff and Ray making it a lot more difficult to distract Geoff with idle conversation.

When Ray finally got into bed he was sleeping next to Ryan in a separate room to the others. Geoff had tried to complain but Ray had just shot him a look, they were in for a hell of an argument when they got home but until then Ray was working on his own schedule. Ryan was exhausted from the jet lag and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Ray waited, laying in the bed silently as he watched the minutes tick by. By the time he had seen four hours pass and was no nearer to sleep he decided to call it a day. He stood up and moved to the other side of the room, booting up his DS.

While he was playing he kept on going over the conversation he’d had with Geoff, or rather the single comment Geoff had made. Geoff was angry, that much was obvious and Ray trembled slightly, the man might have appeared as laid back normally but an angry Geoff was a scary Geoff. He had been in the army after all.

But more than that were the fears that somehow Geoff would decide that he wasn’t worth it, that somehow their relationship would fall apart because of Ray.

Sitting alone in the dark his thoughts began to fester, running over scenario after scenario until he could barely think straight. Within an hour his hands were shaking too hard to even play. He curled into himself, trying to convince himself that he wasn’t going to do it.

When six AM rolled around Ray proved himself wrong, much to his regret. The first rays of the sun met the young man sobbing on the floor of the bathroom. His side was shredded, more lines than he’d ever cut before, freshly bleeding. A few drops landed on the floor and he shuddered, trying to mop it up whilst trying his best not to let more blood spill onto the floor.

A sob was pulled from his body as he paused, trying to gain control of his breathing again. He curled up slightly and instantly regretted it, pain roared up along his side as he moved.

“Ray, are you okay in there?” the voice of Ray’s boyfriend made the man freeze.

“Yeah Ry, don’t worry about me.” Ray sat there with bated breath, slowly pulling down his t-shirt. It was already stained with blood, seeping through to the other side but it would have to do. He had a darker t-shirt in his bag which he had packed for that specific purpose.

Ray couldn’t risk bandaging because the top wouldn’t hide it. He wondered if he needed it. He stood up and immediately sat back down. Yeah, he should bandage it up. But Ray just shook his head, which didn’t help much with the dizziness, he’d had worse. But as he stood up he couldn’t remember when it had been worse.

Maybe it was because it was happening now or maybe it was because he had so much to lose. When it had started it was just his high school grades. Then it was a crappy job and a few half friends. But now, it was the best job he’d had and it was five boyfriends.

Everything was on the line and he could feel himself falling further and further down. He sighed and left the bathroom, quickly passing Ryan before the older man could speak. He never even considered that he might lose something even more precious than his boyfriends; his life.

That might have been because he didn’t think it was precious.

 

“Mr Ramsey, could I have a word please?” Geoff shot up as the nurse entered the room.

“Is he okay?” the nurse pursed her lips together at Jack’s question.

“My Ramsey, you are Mr Narvaez’s emergency contact. We need your permission to treat him.”

“Why can’t you treat him anyway?” the nurse sighed, entering the room fully after realising that it was very unlikely that she could get Geoff to leave the room.

“There seems to be internal bleeding in his brain and we need to operate. But he has already lost a substantial amount of blood from the self-inflicted wounds.” Gavin flinched slightly as she said this, relaxing slightly as Michael laced their hands together. “If we do the classic surgery there is a high probability that Mr Narvaez will have long lasting damage. However, we have an alternative, but it’s risky.”

“How risky?” Jack said, not bothering to stand. Ray didn’t seem to be coming back anytime soon.

“There’s about a fifty fifty chance. Mr Narvaez seems to have been on the brink of collapse for some time and the head injury is a bad one. I need your signature to go ahead.” This last part was directed at Geoff who hung his head.

“If you do the first one?” the nurse frowned before answering.

“He could have a variety of problems, anything from brain damage to loss of eyesight. It’s very risky with a patient like Mr Narvaez and I would not suggest it.” The nurse looked between the faces of the men and seemed to reach a decision. “Your boyfriend has difficulties. That’s obvious. He could have killed himself today and you need to be ready for that. If he wakes up from this operation things are going to change. You’re all going to need to have a conversation but before that you need him to wake up. The doctors here are some of the best but we need your signature Mr Ramsey.” By the end the woman seemed desperate, nearly shoving the clipboard down Geoff’s throat.

Geoff held her gaze for a moment, as if calculating just how badly this could go wrong. Then he nodded and reached for the clipboard. After scribbling down a signature he passed it back.

“When he wakes up. When.” The woman nodded and left the room hurriedly. Geoff turned back to the rest of the boys.

“He’s coming back.” His voice was hard but there was something in his eyes, in the way that his hands kept on twitching. He was terribly unsure and the boys picked up on it. The tension in the room grew and grew as each of them began to consider the terrifying concept that they might never see their final piece again.

 

 

Ray didn’t really remember much of the morning, the others woke at half six to leave the hotel at seven. By eight Ray was in the hospital. The fans were in uproar, the video of Ray slipping and crashing to the floor had been spread around and the Rooster Teeth emails were exploding.

Burnie was ready to tear his hair out but Ray was oblivious to all this. He lay, as if asleep, in the hospital bed as the surgeons prepared scalpels and saws, to clear away the messy splodge they had seen on the X-ray. If he’d been awake he might have cracked a joke at that but he wasn’t and so he didn’t. Instead he simply lay there, dead to the world.

He remembered getting up from his seat. He remembered Gavin falling over. Panic spread through his mind, was Gavin okay? Were any of his boys okay? He knew Gavin had been fine, had gotten right back up but he also knew that there was something wrong with him. Something had happened and his boys were going to be terrified.

Ray never remembered the moment he fell, no matter how many hours he spent trying to piece it together he didn’t remember. He just remembered feeling dizzy, knowing something was about to go wrong. His next memory was waking up in the hospital surrounded by his boys, it was one of his favourite memories.

 

Gavin stared down at Ray. He looked terrible. The bandage around his head, the bandages around his chest and the white sheets seemed to drain the man of colour. He had a pallor which, whilst it was impriving, was still shockingly pale. Gavin wanted to reach for Ray’s hand but something stopped him. He wished he could say that he didn’t want to knock an IV but he knew that would be a barefaced lie.

He was so scared that by touching Ray the man would shatter, break off into thousands of pieces that Gavin could never even begin to piece back together. So he sat there, staring resolutely at the man’s face.

And then Ray’s eyes flickered open.

 

The first thing Ray saw was a bright light. Then it was eclipsed by a view straight up Gavin’s nostrils. He groaned slightly, blinking away the after effects of the lights.

“Michael he’s awake! He’s awake Michael!”

“I know you idiot! Get the rest of them back here!” The nostrils then vanished, which Ray was very thankful for, as Gavin ran off to find the others.

“Hey Ray, how you feeling?” Michael’s vice was soft, as if he didn’t want to startle the other man.

“Shitty.” Michael let out a soft laugh, running his fingers over Ray’s hand as he grasped it.

“That’s what you get for falling off a stage. But don’t worry you’ll be okay.” Ray nodded, still out of it but then he heard the door swing open.

He raised himself up a little bit to see Jack, Geoff and Gavin run back in. Jack rushed straight to his side as if to envelop him in a hug and paused. Ray was confused until he glanced down. The hospital robe was half open in the front to allow more room for the bandages. There were a lot of bandages. Ray blinked owlishly, trying to remember why there were so many bandages. When the answer came to him he stared up at his boyfriends with fear in his eyes.

“Please- I didn’t- I mean…” Ray could hear a faint beeping picking up speed but all he could think was that they knew, they knew about what he did.

The thoughts ran over and over in his head, trampling each other to get to the same destination; he was about to be dumped. Right here, right now in a hospital in some random town. Vaguely he wondered how he’d get home, forgetting that he’d already moved in with his boyfriends. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice the door swinging open again as Ryan ushered a doctor in.

“Ryan why did you bring a doctor?” Gavin pouted. Ryan turned to glare at him

“Maybe because Ray cracked his skull open and I thought a doctor would probably be able to get him better!” Gavin sighed but nodded as the doctor rushed to Ray’s side.

“Mr Narvaez I’m going to need you to calm down.” Ray was on the verge of hyperventilating, his heart was beating all too fast and the doctor sighed before running to a cabinet and withdrawing a syringe. But when he turned back Ray’s heartbeat began to slow.

 

Jack had rushed back into the room, ready to envelop his now awake boyfriend in a hug but seeing the bandages made him pause. He’d seen the panic in Ray’s eyes when he saw his own chest and the beeping that had filled the room was enough for Jack to get over his worry at hurting his boyfriend.

He encircled the smaller man with his arms, drawing him as close as Jack dared with all the equipment. Ray’s heartbeat immediately began to slow, as he curled closer to the other man.

“Mr Narvaez how do you feel?” Ray half uncurled from Jack to face to doctor.

“My head hurts a bit.” The doctor nodded and adjusted something on the IV

“Do you feel any nausea, dizziness or lack of vision?” Ray shook his head. “Do you know where you are?”

“Uhh, in a hospital?”

“Do you know who the President is?”

“Obama.”

“Okay, you don’t seem to be confused.” The doctor leant forwards and shone a light into Ray’s eyes. “Pupils are nice and responsive. Can I?” he reached up and undid the bandage around Ray’s head. “Good. Everything seems fine and I think that you’ll be able to leave in a few hours. Push this button if you start feeling nauseous, dizzy or if you need help.” With that the doctor left Ray alone with his boyfriends. The room descended into silence, only to be broken by Ray himself.

“Are you going to break up with me?” all of the heads snapped to the youngest man. He had tears in his eyes and Jack could feel how he had tensed under his hands. The men glanced at each other before Ryan started talking.

“No Ray. We love you and we’re worried. I mean, you can’t blame us for that. You fell off the stage in front of a few hundred people. And we didn’t even notice until it was nearly too late. We were kind of thinking you’d be breaking up with us.”

“Why?”

“We didn’t notice.” Gavin was quiet for once, sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs and Ray could almost feel his heart break. “I mean, we saw but we didn’t try to help you. What kind of boyfriends are we?”

“The best!” Ray glanced between them, seeing the guilt that was etched onto their faces. “It was me not you! I’m the one who’s messed up, it shouldn’t have to reflect on you!”

“What do you mean, messed up?” Ray glanced at Michael as he spoke, unsure of what to say. He knew what he was; pathetic and broken but he didn’t want to say. He didn’t want his boyfriends to know just in case, in case they agreed.

“Ray, did you do this because you thought that you didn’t you deserve us?” Ryan looked sick at his own suggestions, staring at the younger man in the hopes that he would refute whatever thought was going through his head. Ray glanced away

“No, I mean not really. It wasn’t your fault I mean.” Ryan took a deep breath and Geoff stepped forwards.

“Why the hell were you doing it then?”

“It’s just something that helps. I’ve been doing it for ages, it’s not a big deal!” As he spoke he knew he shouldn’t be. Geoff was pissed but as Ray kept talking the man just grew angrier.

“Ray you could have died! Is that what you wanted?” Ray was about to shake his head when he paused. Geoff’s face had morphed into horror, he was scared more than anything. Jack, above Ray, had also tensed. Looking around the room each of the men looked scared.

“Did you think,” he paused, licking his lips “Did you think I was trying to kill myself?” the silence was his only answer but it told him all he needed to know. “Fuck.”

“What were you doing then?” Gavin piped up, looking scared at the answer. Ray opened his mouth but nothing came out. He didn’t have an excuse. He’d not even considered trying to kill himself for years. Life sucked but he liked it well enough.

“I didn’t want to die.” His voice was small and weak. “I just wanted to stop it. I can’t stop it though.” He felt tears begin to stream down his face as Jack pulled his closer again.

“Then we’re going to help you, you idiot.” Michael stood and walked forwards, jostling Jack out of position so that he could cling onto Ray, as if the man were a life jacket in the middle of the ocean. Although if that were the case he probably wouldn’t have pushed Jack out of the way.

“We’re not going to leave you Ray. Team lads means something!” Ray choked out a chuckle, which sounded too much like a sob for Gavin. The Brit crawled onto the bed and shuffled over to cuddle Ray whilst half of his body was hanging off the edge.

“Gavin you’re going to fall off.” Jack said, sighing. The younger man shook his head petulantly and Jack sighed before speaking to Ray. “I said earlier, I’m here to talk. I want to help Ray, in any way I can.”

“You’re dumb as dicks if you think we’re leaving you now, fucker. You’re stuck with us.” Ray chuckled as Geoff came to sit next to him. They sat there for a moment until Gavin turned to stare at Ryan.

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to say something soppy? We all said something!”

“I said something earlier! I’ve got to be manly!” the others laughed as Ryan pouted. “Okay fine, Ray we love you and if you had died today I would have tracked you down and murdered you.”

“Ryan the murder guy.” Ray whispered under his breath. Gavin started giggling which set the rest off.

Ryan pouted again and sat at the end of the bed as an easier conversation started up. Ray just sat there, staring at them. For the first time in months he was hopeful. Maybe, just maybe he could do this. It wouldn’t be easy, every time he’d stopped in the past it had hurt and he had always gone back. But he’d try again and again until he managed it. And if he went backwards then his boys would be there to pick him up. And eventually he’d be able to do it on his own.

FINIS

**Author's Note:**

> But seriously guys, stay safe.  
> And no, I am not saying that anyone can recover from depression just because someone loves them. However I am saying that having a strong support network, having people to watch you in bad times, knowing that people are there who will love and support you no matter what, is incredibly helpful.  
> The next fic? Uhhhh maybe Michael’s backstory for my GTA AU, maybe Ray’s or maybe the final member of the crew. Dunno. Or something entirely different I have no clue to be honest.  
> See you next time!


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